I'm in what I call "a zone." I'm focused. I'm training. I'm on schedule. I'm on track. I'm, as Marisa put it, not ready yet, but I will be when I need to be. After all, I'm still four months out. OMG, only four months! Yikes. Okay. Breathe. Breathe. I have so much to learn, so much work still to do, so much to do to get ready (like replacing the tires on my vehicle), but I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing at this stage. What I struggle with is the internal conflict I have with well wishers. Maybe the best way to describe this is I am doing this for me, period. If everyone ignored me, I'd still be where I am. Morbidly obese people (at least this one) stick out like sore thumbs, feel uncomfortable with limelight, and desire to blend in with the crowd. It's difficult to explain this. I don't need motivation. I've got this. That said, though I don't "need" it, I appreciate that people do wish me well. When I went to the gynecologist after six years of not going, the doctor asked about the huge difference in my charted weight. After I told him what I've done and where I'm headed, he brought in his boss. Together they told me how proud they are of me. I know my response wasn't the proper thing to say, but it was honest. I thanked them but said, with the qualification that I hoped they didn't take this the wrong way, that it really didn't matter to me how they felt because I am doing this for me. Is this making any sense at all? It's kind of like "Thank you. Appreciate it. Now get out of my way so I can train." Why do I have to have these internal conflicts? Why do I have to overanalyze everything? This consumes too much of my thinking. I really want folks to continue the accolades. I just don't need them to do it. Maybe that is the point, that I am proud of myself, finally. Maybe I should just put one of my shoes in my mouth, the other on my foot, and go run!
Per my training schedule, during my last run, Wednesday before the snow started, I needed to do 2 miles. The next outing this week needs to be 3 miles. Well, in an effort to beat Mother Nature at her own game, I planned to do the 3 miles before the snow and the 2 miles as soon thereafter as possible. I headed out. Because it was cold, I then talked myself out of doing the 3 miles. About 3/4 mile into it, a car stopped in the road beside me, which is an occurrence I constantly fear. The lady rolled down her window and said, "I am so proud of you. Keep it up." I have no idea who she is. Because I am not an observant person, I don't recognize her vehicle and couldn't tell you anything beyond that maybe it was a dark SUV or minivan. Will I recognize her in the future? I don't recognize people unless they have a dog, which I'll always recognize & can then associate the people. She didn't have a dog with her. I'll assume she lives near me and has seen me out there before. After that, with a smile on my face, I again upped my plan to the 3-mile day. As luck would have it, doing 3 miles got interrupted by my incontinence issue at 2.07 miles in. So I went home with only 2.7 miles under my belt. The point is I didn't need the stranger's comments and was rather embarrassed by them. Yet, they were greatly appreciated. See why I say conflict? Her gesture brought me back to the person who after my first 5k took his hands off the wheel to applaud me. I'll forever remember that.
A couple of other things going on - first, I'm doing a series of races called Finish 2 B Fit. There are four races in the series, each longer than the previous one, the first one being 9 days from now. One of the races, a 10k, is less than 2 weeks before my half. I would love to have company at all the races. So if any of you want to join me, sign up at finish2bfit.com. Don't tell me you can't. That's hogwash. There is no time limit. If you would rather not walk/run, come and show support! Also, I'm on day 13 of a 30-day challenge. EVERYBODY can do this! It's good for you & easy to do. I would love to see all my friends sign up for this! All you have to do is pick 30 days between February 1 and March 31 and do 30 min of activity per day and post it. Sign up at https://www.facebook.com/events/258742837621978/. Join me! There are prizes random participants will win also.
One more thing going on - my weight has been driving me insane. I am eating 100% the way I am supposed to, yet gaining weight. It is frustrating because I really want to be below 200 at the half. So I'm told there are probably two reasons: one, not eating enough; and, two, not getting enough sleep. I was eating 1,000-1,300 calories a day. I am giving Katie one week at 2,000-2,200 per day. Tomorrow is weigh day. I hope I've lost, but I don't feel like I have. Sleep is an issue. I work 7 days a week, often both day & night. The way I have to work interferes with scheduling and sleeping. Here's an example that illustrates the problem. Tuesday I had work due in the morning. At 2:10 PM, one of my bosses (I am self-employed. When I say "boss," it simply means the person who doles out work for one of my clients.) asked me to after I finished the job I was working on at that time do a transcript due Wednesday, which means I had to work overnight. At 2:30, she told me to send both jobs in the next day, which meant I needed to stop immediately and take a nap. At 2:45, I was told I had until Thursday to do both jobs, which meant I didn't need to take a nap at that moment. At 3:00, I was told the deadline was back to Wednesday, which meant naptime was back. At 6:00 PM, I was asked to do another job due Friday, which also would interfere with sleep. This is the nature of my job. My empty coffers don't allow me the luxury of turning work away. I rearranged everything to do the work due Friday. At 8:45 Wednesday, I was told the Friday job didn't happen. Sleep is one of the main reasons I need a new job. Regular sleep or eight hours of sleep per day is nonexistent with my current job.
Another thing - my treadmill phobia has gotten significantly worse. I'm clueless as to why or how to fix the problem. That's why I really detest this snow. I need road miles, not being left with treadmill as the only option.
That's the update, Joyce. :) Between work & training, there's no time left to update, not even time for sleep. So it may be a while until the next time. Thanks for thinking of me!